Caring for the Caregivers

Caregiving for a loved one is HARD. It's hard on the giver--and on the receiver. As much as it can be rewarding, it can also be frustrating, thankless, inconvenient, demanding, and--dare I say it--AGEIST.

If we're not careful.

Perhaps you've seen or experienced it: the eye-rolls, the heavy sighs, the stage-whispered snide comments. The impatient "I TOLD you's," or "You TOLD me's," or "AGAINs?"

The thing is, just as most of us have not been trained to be caregivers for our loved ones, nor have most of them been trained to be old. Without role models for how to age well, or positively, or gracefully, or any one of the myriad terms used to describe those adults in their 60's, 70's, 80's and beyond who are able to see the longevity glass as half-full, many older adults simply feel lost, alone, and anxious about getting older--and being cared for.

One antidote for this is for family caregivers to meet their loved ones where they are--and accept them as they are. In fact, researchers who've studied adults with dementia have discovered that applying the rules of improvisational comedy to their caregiving can help relieve the stress experienced by everyone involved. Improv performers are taught to meet their scene partners where they are, accept them as they are, and to move the scene forward--rather than fighting against its potential implausibility.

This is otherwise known as the principle of "Yes . . . And . . ." and it is applicable to many other aspects of our personal and professional lives--including caregiving. For instance, even if your loved one is experiencing moderate cognitive impairment--rather than full-blown dementia--and tells the same stories or asks the same questions multiple times, rather than impatiently reminding them that you've talked about this already, just breathe, meet them where they are--and then answer the questions as though it's the first time you've heard them. Ditto if they've locked themselves out of their Instagram account, or think something's broken when it's just unplugged, or complain about the brand of juice you bought them. Just breathe, accept it, and go with it.

The truth is, as much as we wish our loved ones were more independent, SO. DO. THEY.

So let's stop with the eye-rolls, heavy sighs, snide remarks, and I-told-you's, and focus on meeting--and accepting--our loved ones where they are. Because caregiving--and older adulthood--should not be marked by a series of ageist "Oh No's!" Rather, it should be punctuated by the opportunities that accompany the anything-is-possible "Yes, And's!"